Before I Self Destruct!

This year it seems like everything that could go wrong in my life has gone wrong. I had a major falling out with my parents, and to this day my mom still barely speaks to me. Finances haven’t been great, only solace I take in that is knowing that I’m not alone on that front. Relationships, don’t even get me started on that topic. The one meaningful relationship that I did have and I actually thought was going somewhere, flat-lined about a month ago out of nowhere. No explanation, no break up phone call/text/email/facebook message. Shit to this day I don’t even know what it was that caused the demise of something that seemed so promising. But hey, as the old saying goes, you can’t cry over spilled milk, and quite honestly I’ve just never really been the crying type. Well I was for a bit, but that was a long time ago in Junior High School, but that’s neither here nor there. Back to the present, to add to my long string of failures this year, I have this “friend” who only seems to come into my life and appreciate my existence whenever she’s down and out and has no one else she can call. Now I use the term friend loosely, because as I said, whenever shit has hit the fan in this girl’s life, that’s when my phone always seems to ring with a message or a phone call from her, with not so much as an apology for not speaking to me for however long she has gone this time. She just gets on the phone and acts as if we just spoke yesterday, and me being the fool I am, I fall for it every time. Before it was money she seemed to always want, now its my time and my bed, which wouldn’t be the worst possible thing in the world, if she were coming up off some ass. Oh and God forbid I were to even bring up the idea of sex, I might as well be sentenced to death. My whole thing is this, if you don’t want to be propositioned by me, the least you could do is sleep with some clothes on, the whole sleeping in your underwear and expecting me to not fondle you isn’t going to fly. Now in her defense, I should be more of a gentleman and not expect anything from a friend that I’m doing a favor for, but as I stated earlier, the girl has used me for everything under the sun, so why shouldn’t I be able to profit a little from this obvious farce of a friendship. Shit, what she think, that she can get whatever she wants out of me and when its time to pay the piper she can just play the role of a woman scorned and I’ll just forget all that she’s sucked me dry for over the years. Maybe had she sucked me dry literally instead of figuratively once in a while, this wouldn’t even be an issue. So add that, to the list of failures. Another thing to add to my list is my vehicle situation, I’m starting to feel like the worlds biggest dummy. I have a car that I can’t register, I have a license that I can’t use, cause of the car situation, and every time I ask for a ride from supposed friends, I get more stories than Aesop’s Fables. All of this has got me thinking that this can’t be life, something has got to give, because with the way I’m feeling lately, its not long before I self destruct. The only thing that I can say even gets me up in the morning is the fact that I know I have a son who loves me, and with the way my life is going, I guess its only a matter of time too before that goes away, and the fact that I have a pending lawsuit against an employer that I’m praying for a huge settlement from. If that comes through, that’s when I’m really going to start acting brand new, I’m cutting off all my friends, and I’m moving to Europe. Okay, well maybe not Europe, but definitely to destinations unknown.

Living my life, like its golden!

Ok so for as long as I can remember, I’ve been as impatient as the day is long. If I ask someone a question, I need a response before I even finish asking what it is that I’m asking. If I send someone a text and they haven’t responded within 30 seconds, I automatically assume that they’re ignoring me. In relationships, if I’ve been on more than 3 dates with a female, I need to know where it is that we are going from there. For too long I have been preoccupied with what’s next and what happens after this, that I’ve neglected to live in the moment. I never took the time out to appreciate what was in front of me, and just embrace it for what it was. Going with the flow was a phrase that wasn’t in my vernacular, and its killed me. So many relationships that could have been special if I just went with the natural flow of things. So many friendships I could have maintained had I not been so impatient. Even in my professional life, if I’m at a job for longer than 6 months and they haven’t promoted me, I’m questioning why it hasn’t happened yet. But, after a much needed day of self reflection and another potential relationship going the way of all flesh, I had an epiphany. I have come to the conclusion that from now on, every day that I have left on Gods green earth, I will spend enjoying every single moment. No more questioning what’s next or who’s next. No more questioning why hasn’t something been done yet, or why a question hasn’t been answered yet. Gone are the days of me jumping head first into a relationship because I’m worried that I’m almost 30 and still single. From now on, I go wherever the wind takes me. Wherever the flow flows me, lol. I would hate to be 75 years old on my death bed, wondering why I never embraced life and all its splendiferousness. I need to know that when I die, that I lived my life to its fullest, and not a drop less. To know that I earned a gold star from the man upstairs for all the effort that I put in to get everything out of what life and this world has to offer. I need to know that I lived my life like it was indeed golden.

To simply say I miss you!

This is going to be the shortest blog post as of yet. I set out to write a poem for this young lady that I can't get out of my head, but the words just came out the way they did. Not poetic in the least, but just my inner most thoughts at the time that I was thinking them. Enjoy and hopefully she's reading this.

To simply say I miss you wouldn't be enough. Words can't begin to describe the void I feel in my heart. I miss the way you smile, the way your laugh sounds like music to my ears. Never did I imagine that you could make me feel this way. I long to kiss your lips and to hold you in my arms. Just to look you in your eyes and tell you how beautiful you are. I love to watch you sleep, so angelic and peaceful. I miss the way your body fits so cozily next to mine. I miss the sound of your voice, the way you make everything sound so good. I miss rubbing your feet and holding your hands. I miss the way you smell. Like I said, to simply say I miss you, wouldn't be enough.

GROW UP!

Let me tell you one of my biggest pet peeves, its when someone can’t say what they want to say. I’m a man of a certain age, and for as long as I can remember, if something was offered to me or presented to me as an option that wasn’t to my liking, I would politely, or in my case most of the time not so politely, decline. So why is it as grown ups, people can’t just say they don’t want something. If a woman is pursuing me that I don’t want to be pursued by, I simply tell her listen, I don’t like you in that way or in any way for that matter and I keep it moving with my regular scheduled program. I don’t hmm and haw and have her thinking that something will come of her pursuing me. I don’t give her false hope and sleep with her and make her think that there is a future for us, especially when I know for a fact that there isn’t. If all I want are the panties, then I simply make that known and if she’s down with that, then we proceed. If she isn’t, then hey, it wouldn’t be the first time I got turned down. I thought that once you reached a certain age, the game playing came to an end. Instead of simply telling a person that they are, to quote the great Bob Marley, “Waiting in Vain”, you simply don’t return phone calls, don’t respond to text messages, act like you didn’t hear when they said that they miss you. I guess after enough of that treatment, they should get the hint, right? But then when you finally realize that you’ve been had, led astray, run amuck bamboozled and hood-winked, you have to take it like a man and act like you weren’t hurt. You have to act as if the pursued didn’t give you, the pursuer, reason to think that something could actually come of your pursuing. Like they didn’t tell you that they love being around you, that they invite you into their home and all but give you a key and tell you to come by whenever. Like they didn’t tell you that you were dating when you didn’t even ask what your status was. But hey, I guess its your fault for actually thinking that this person was the type of person that meant what they said when they said it. It might just be me, but I miss the days when I would meet a girl, talk to aforementioned girl, ask her for her number, call her and ask her on a date, and she would say, “oh I would love to, but I’m not interested in you like that.”. To which I would respond, “oh that’s cool, hopefully we can still be friends.”. All the while, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, eventually she’ll get to know me and she’ll fall for me cause I’m a good dude and she won’t be able to resist. At least then I know that if I get hurt, it was no ones fault but my own, cause she told me point blank period that she wasn’t interested and I pursued anyway. Self inflicted pain I can handle, I would never hit myself harder than someone else would. It’s the sucker punch from someone I thought cared for me as I care for them that knocks me out. So for all you, phone call dodging, text message reading but not responding, too afraid to tell someone that you’re not interested people out there, I say one thing to you, GROW UP!